Nighthaven

Yeah, still alive, stuborn and silly as ever, succesfully evaded me having a big pirtday party and been hiding before possible girlfriends O_o seriously ... whats up with me ? i guess in short you could say i don´t just have the balls tp try and seriously flirt me into something more, but yeah, i also don´t seem to care and try, that is untill i have those moods again, shoosh.

Its kinda bothersom for me, just when i thought i figured what i realy want i´ll toss it around, like i don´t seem to like something more constand, but yeah, guess im just kinda childish >.>
Though, am i to feel sad that im 28 now and still kinda virgin ? not realy no, but those few occsions i had, .. well ok im not, but i don´t give myself much credits in the expirience depart, but worst of all, it sickens me that i just can´t stand on the same spot, one one side i don´t want a relationship, or no usual one anyway, cause im just not the kind to socialize and stuff, even though, i can life with the fact that relations are sure to change that... and well, on the other side, the moment a fitting *victim* approches, im all eager to into her panties....

It bothers me, i get to bouncy when im with a woman, and to scared when it gets any further, heck i bailed out on a kiss with a woman who´s been trying to be with me, and im still not sure if im just behaving like a littel boy or if she was just not my thing, me, in my eyes, im a damn stubborn boy >.> lazy probably too considering my actions as of late....

Boy, i wish i wouldn´t be to lazy to kick my ass up and get me a real life, but yeah, somehow i seem to lack the right image of "real life"..

Current Mood: frustrated

The Werewolf:

The Werewolf is the symbol for Spiritual Paths.
You have the soul of a wolf inside you, which
makes you warm and caring to those you love.

Strengths: Protection is a number one priority,
and therefore you always gaurd the ones you
love and keep tight bonds with your pack mates.
Loyalty is strong within yourself, and you also
expect it from the ones who are close to you.

Flip Side: Even though you care for those you
love deeply, if they betray you, anger races
through your veins. The Werewolf, despite it's
warm fun-loving personality, can also stand up
for itself if need be. You would have no
problem hiding your anger if something sets you
off balance.

Congratulations! You have a Werewolf inside!

pic (c) Christy Grandjean aka GoldenWolfen

Have been silent for some time havn´t i ? Yeah well, guess i been busy sulking over myself *chuckle* i tell you, im good at that.. ah well, anyways, i least can say that after a rather braindead span of time i finally found the passion for some RPing again, be it writhe or playwise, damn i keep pondering how to go on with a story i been writhing and come up with to many ideas at once, problem is to get it on paper, maybe i should try to writhe some kinda storything again, i mean, people keep telling me to try and that my idea´s aren´t that bad ...

Well ... maybe one of these days .. first though, i guess i have to get some more contend with my own work, bbut lets get on to other stuff sha´ll we ?

There is ! Me socialising ... people keep wondering why im bad at keeping in touch or why i am so silent, fact is, im just not good at it, i hardly stay tuned on worldly things, beeing who i am i tend to hide in Rp´s or games to just waste my time so i won´t start to think to much, boy the guys at work thought i should take it more comfortable and not rush things .. but i can´t just sit still all the time, i need to get time pass by fast, but anyway, some people just want to chat sometimes, but i feel i can´t realy deliver anything constructive to whatever they want to talk with, im a good listener, and when i get to desperate i tend to flood with my problems ( and i realy hate myself for it ), but i hardly can give anything talkworthy most of the time.

Don´t take me wrong please but if you know me and wonder why i hardly keep in touch or talk with you, it doesn´t mean i don´t care about you or somesuch, it´s just that i lack the things to talk about, and im not doing well at making up anything talkative, i would even consider it bothersome to "make up" something to talk about, me beeing silent is my way not to bother someone i care for, i think the thing i can do at best is listen, try and be an constructive add to something you wan´t to talk about or RP, yeah that and propably cyber >.> but don´t wait for me to poke you and start an conversation, thats just not me -_-

Oh well, here i go off to bed, been up to long and stuff, feel hugged or sumesuch, this pup is of to do teh same with some comfy pillow ^_^

to cute ...

Dance the night away by karchan85
Name
What you Look like
The Music	Classical
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Dance the night away by karchan85
Name
What you Look like
The Music	DDR
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Whats up with me i wonder, why the shit do i keep trying worrying my ass of for others ... i mean, can´t i get my own life in line first ? dangit, i guess im to contend withmyself the way i am right now, though i still thing i should get my lazy ass up and do something for myself again, i fail though, and somehow i don´t care, the things i do worry about right now are for instance my job, its working all out very well and i hear my boss is quite happy with my work, sadly however this job is set to end end of june, but thers hope i can use it to catapult myself into a permanent job with some friendly help of my coworkers...
you know, im still wondering how it can be that people think so much more of me as i can even dare to give to myself, do i realy have to think that bad about myself ? amd i that bad ? i think i am ... and if it fits or not, at least im not flying to high with that, a bit ground below my feet wont hurt, but ... sometimes i should at least try for some more ... ah well ...
On another note ... i feel lonly .. but yeah, i do tend to do so for some time now ... after my last expirience with woman ... i havn´t try´d to date or flirt activly RL wise anymore, i drop my usual lines here and there, but, while i did tend to be blind when someone was trying to hind something with a lovly hammer, im now even fit to simply ignore it, if i ever notice, heck i have managed to make such a loner of myself that i woudn´t notice someone flirting with me when she´d do a strip for me >.< and on the other side, whenever i try to get someonce attebtion i tend to mess it all up, ... low self esteem and lacking expirience tend to do that , and im sick of failing, i´ll just do it like it´s supposetly fits me best, wait and die lonly or be actualy hit with a gigantic hammer that teaches me how the heck to live with someone else besides me ... you know ... for someone with my selfesteem i do tend to have and oddly high ego .. as long as you don´t dare speaking to me :p i mean, people tend to have more respect for me around me then i do have for myself, well ... i don´t apply that to my onlineself though, i guess the day i stop watching myself and try to change me is the day i see the world with different eyes >.> ah well .... off to newlyfound mischieve(sp?)

..update on myself, majorly, im kinda depressed latly, mix that up with some stress and a generel feel of disliking yourself and you know where i am at right now, even considered to start smocking again, but, if i do have something for sure its an iron will, least in such cases, wish i could make use of that on other things.

Well, basicly, latly i feel very lonly, but im not going to desperatly seek a match for me now, i think if done that part far to often already, only ended up with me hurting myself emotionaly, besides that, latly im to much sexualy driven to make anything valuable out of it, probably am just to desperat to find the right match after all ? but...well but what ? i don´t think im going to fall for myself all to easy again, im ... somewhere ... where i´d rather prefer to stay alone and drown myself in lonlyness rather then hurting myself and possibly someone else, patiance i guess, thats all i need, but then again, im not intending to look again, imaging me surounded by a high wall, thats where i see me, no one can lure, twist and turn your desires, and no one can harm you if you wont let them close, the thing im most afraid of is myself though, im doing so many mistakes that i tend to rip my heart apart all by myself, the last time i confessed love ? 100 roses, and since then ... im sulking i guess, breaking contacts with friends, i stop to care for others, i can´t help anyone if i can´t even help myself, sometimes i just wish i´d die, but then again, im to proud to do it myself, i think ... if been to long alone, and by now singled myself as bad out that im unable to realy socialise with others, and even if i wish to attemp, im to inexpirienced, im either shying out or just stumble over my own feet, add that i am quite demanding on another side, you could even say dominating ... i just don´t want to fall deeper into that black well thta i seem do have build around myself -_-

Aye, long time..once again...but there´s been a...well no good time for me, im down, more then else latly, especialy after the last expirience if made, i wont share it yet, but...one think im certain of, i give up, i don´t want to make a fool out of myself anymore, i don´t want to try to make others understand why i am the one i am, and i don´t want to look for someone to erase this lonlyness, im not just not fit for a normal live, i guess im to much of an egoist anyway, so...no im not going suicide or such crap, i just...well figure it like that...over the years i build a wall around myself, and even though i started at one time to break it down, i only made a fool of myself, so i just leave it where it is, stay to myself, and let others think what they want.

No im not in one of those *the world is so unfair* moods, im just not willing to fight on to find my place in it, maybe i found it years ago and just didn´t want to fit, maybe somewhere along the way i meet someone who slaps me awake, but until then i stay what i am, a loner, and a bitter one at that, i can´t stand it, but i can´t change it either, so i just move on.

...would you have figured ? ...the pg of the cheery vixen...bitter..i mean, hey i guess im a bit psycho, how else can it be that my creations find more acceptance then i do myself.....i should go to sleep... i guess im only making it worse for myself -_-

I did not go today, still have to get up with an excuse though, but anyway, i don´t feel to well about it.. and even if i like the idea.. i don´t seem to be much into one night stands...lack of expirience or whatever, don´t know where to name it, but i sure prefer something permanend and so... i didn´t like to head there knowing what she´s heading for....i don´t know if it´s cause i might be to scared of a relation and all that is included, or if i truly lack the right feel to be confident for this to work, i just feel...neutral...there´s nothing you could describe as love, sure, lust...she isn´t bad looking..but...now im not sure...either i realy prefer something more structural before i go as far or im just to scared to get to close with someone... and sex is in my eyes part of getting very close to me, no matter how much of an ass i can be -_- *sigh* what am i even pondering this..i just feel helpless and sorry for her...but you know what scares me ? how much i seem to be different of what i beleave to be...one day i might be able to figure whats up with me, but until then i should try and find at least a way to be contend with myself, something thats hard to start with already if you´d know me..

i been silend latly haven´t i ? work...its keeping me busy latly, or rather, since i started it, proved quite hard for me to get used to the shedules and the kind of work..but.. i slowly seem to have adjusted to it, still problems but i adjusted, now i just need to get back to some kind of creativity level, im having a hard time to focus on a proper level to get my postings done, but even there i get slowly back to normal, hmm, and yt even though things normalice slowly i do still feel at unease...whys that ? well.. i feel pushed.. there is someone latly that trys to get with me.. nice girl.. but.. even though i return the flirt a bit i don´t feel like this is gona work, but i always do..think thats some kinda complex, probably the same that causes me to see myself to be worse then i am, i still am suprised to see how highly some seem to thing of me.. work did just prove that again, and yet i still think im hardly doing good, but anyway..what am i going to do about that woman ? you know.. she invited me to come over tomorrow.. she even has her daughter looked after then so...you can get a good guess where that is supossed to lead...im hardly trying even to figure if i want to go or not.. appearently i seem sure to just..oversleep or such..i feel uncomfortable, for some time i feld happy, i guess i always do when flirting, but here.. i questioned myself im im maybe just to scared of a relation... but im not sure there.. i feel to calm about it, sure i have fears to make mistakes, but those are the..standarts.. have i realy seperated myself so hard from others ? or am i doing so well hiding my emotions that i don´t realy feel them anymore, and then..why am i questioning myself right now about this case ? ....you know, a part of me realy likes the thought of a woman..very shy..you could say..tender.. and to scared for her own decisions, embarrased at times...something i can controle and yet can lean on and have her lean on me...in short i guess someone that depends on me, but it´s not entierly about dominating mind you...more. knowing she´s there for me, and else lets me keep her safe..on the other side i know i seem to enjoy to take advantage of someone that would trust me as much, tease, embarass,dominate...those are the thinks my dreams seem to be filled about, but where would you find those thease days, especialy since im to shy to make the first step myself...at times however i seem desperate for the of another.......what do i realy want ? i lack to understand myself... and if i go on like this i schould rather get into priesthood then trying to go on *chuckle* i doubt i be placed well there, my mind has to many dirty corners...but then, big mouth and nothing behind it eh ? i guess..

...one of these days i might find what i wan´t...or it will find me..wich is more likly with my willingness to encounter a few of those things, well...maybeim just to lazy to face all facettes of life, im not realy trying to improve every side of myself even though i keep reminding me of it... and then...maybe im just scared of changes...

Got me my new connection !
Faster then i beleavedi would get it ^_^
and best of all, appearently i got me a new job also in that short time, im just waiting for the call,...damn im bouncy about that, you know, its one of those situtions, they say they wanna take you, but they still have to wait of a higher nose if they like the idea, so during the next week i HOPEFULLY get this freaking call, i hate sitting at home all time on my lazy bum and play stuff like NWN for the x´t time...make me wonder, still havn´t try´d a druid/shifter yet.....mmm*grin* laters ^_^

...well, for some time thats goingto be my last entry i guess, least till i got a new connection set up, i had a littel argumend with a friend today and the endresult was me quitting my job there and thus also loosing my connection, now, until i get it fixed im unlikly to do any more posts since i will be using the online time i have to post on MZDM, mainly due to the fact that, till i have a new con i will have to pay for the time in an internetcafe -_-

8c28174b8787baa1ea0d04c524ac7db2
http://www.ljmeme.com

You are Fire...you are action, spirit and vitality.
You warm whatever you are around with your
large spirit, but you can sometimes lack a
sensitivity to others.


What Element Are You?
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For a long time me and my friends finally Started a pen and paper round again, well, whe started the char creation for now using an age old rule set that must have been released somewhere around the first D+D rules, whe had one hell of fun just at that, now to give a littel taste about why, the chars made are 2 Male humans, both bondsman (sp?) one Trapper and the other Blacksmith. 1 male Elf priest that besides knowing already a part of the story...has no clue how he got to the other side of the world *Meldaryn* and well, thers me, Halfling Female Animal trainer *chuckles* and a few of my *mainskills* are intrigue, lovecraft ( your reading right XD ) and Stealth. Lovecraft and an initiative of 69, if that isn´t mean enough , now, some of my flaws are Toxicophobie ( she´s one hell hell of scared that someone would poisen her ) and Claustrophobie(sp) My luck i can cook quite well, and me and the elf are the only once able to write and read *grin*.
Ah well, promisses to be fun.

On another note, the funniest situation ever happend to us during roleplay, 3 mages, 1 nature 1 fire 1 chaotic, nature calls a hawk to spy over a cornfield, problem, whe can´t see with the hawks eyes and to talk with animals me the naturemage lacks a level/skill. so chaoticmage attemps his altering magic...fails chaoticly and ends up as the bird while the bird now has a human body searching for worms.....whe laughed our ass of for over half an houre, and as the chaos mage pg finaly spoke up like ( Guys ? Help ? ) it only got to much, well, 20 mins later whe where in some kinda cave,...and there was this worm...and the chaos mage lost the checkthrow..so.. he took the worm for...later purpose *laughs*

CRAZY ONE. You need crazy partners. You dont mind
if he/she takes alc or drugs or smokes he is
not allowed to be boring. Open-Minded for
everything our partner should spent much time
with you. Your partner shall be spontaneous and
love danger. It is not that important if she/he
is rich or if he/she cuts his nails she/he must
follow you .You take the domination over the
relationship, you decide most of the times
where to go. If the sex is not good (any
more)you quit the relationship
For you it is better to leave than to see your
love restrained.
PLEASE VOTE, I want to know what you think about my
quiz, I worked hard on it.You can always
message me or tell me how I can improve that
quiz. Ill sure write back.


~THE big LOVE TEST!! What do you need? With PICS! For girls and boys!~
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Hmm,..

You are a Cat!

Remember, cats include ALL feline
types!


What kind of furry are you?
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erm....here kitty kitty...